understanding sexuality

It can take a while to understand your sexuality or sexual orientation. Some people have known how they felt since they were very young, others might begin to explore their sexuality during puberty or adolescence. Some people even begin to discover their sexuality much later into adulthood. For some people it can be a confusing time exploring their sexuality. It’s OK to take your time. It is important to remember that being attracted to the same sex, opposite sex or a combination of these is normal.

It can be helpful to read information about sexuality or connect with other members of the LGBTIQA+ community via spaces such as the qheadspace chat.

Unfortunately, some people may have difficulty accepting others who are different to them. This means that some people exploring their sexuality are faced with challenges that may affect their mental health and wellbeing. If someone is making you feel badly about yourself, remember there is nothing wrong with you.

Some common challenges you might experience include:

• other people making you feel ‘different’
  
  
• fear of rejection
  
  
• bullying (verbal, physical or online)
  
  
• discrimination such as homophobia and biphobia (note, this is illegal in Australia)
  
  
• feeling pressure to deny or change your sexuality 
  
  
• worries about coming out to friends and family members
  
  
• feeling unsupported or misunderstood
  
  
• being excluded or left out at school, work or in the community
  
  
• a desire to suppress or avoid unwanted preferences.

Facing challenges like these may lead to a higher risk of things like depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol use, self harm and suicide.

It’s important to remember that your sexual identity does not cause mental health difficulties; it’s due to a higher rate of social exclusion, isolation and discrimination. There are many LGBTIQA+ young people who don’t experience distress about their identity, living happy fulfilling lives. 

The idea of coming out or sharing your sexuality with others can feel really scary. Some people prefer to think of the experience as inviting others in rather than coming out. It’s for you to decide once you’re ready, who you invite into this part of your life. It’s OK if you change your mind later on. Your identity is your own and sexuality can evolve and change over time.

For some people it’s important that they share this part of themselves with everyone in their life in order to feel comfortable. Others may prefer to share their sexuality only with the people they’re close to, or just the people they love.

Some people, due to safety, might choose not to share their sexuality with certain people around them. This doesn’t make their experience less valid or them ‘less queer.’ Everyone’s journey of coming out or not coming out looks different.

It’s hard to know what other people will think or how they’ll react when you talk to them about your sexuality. Unfortunately, it’s not something you can control.

Everyone wants to have a positive experience if they come out, but sometimes it doesn’t happen like that. Here are some things to consider:

• When? Have the conversation when you feel ready. It’s up to you to choose who you want to tell and what you want to tell them. You might choose to start with a person you think is most likely to respond in an accepting way.

• Suss them out. If you feel nervous about how someone might respond, you could try asking them for their thoughts on an LGBTIQA+ topic, like a TV show with a queer character. This might help you understand their thoughts a little better and if they’re more likely to be supportive.

• Time and place. Have the conversation when everyone is comfortable and relaxed. It can be less daunting to let one person know, rather than a group. Sometimes the moment might be right, but the words get stuck. Keep breathing, keep calm, you’ve got this. It’s OK if the words get stuck, there is no ‘perfect’ way of doing this, just be you! Expect a range of reactions. They may feel honoured that you told them. They may question your decision, try to talk you out of it or outright disagree. Sometimes the response is not what you had hoped. Try not to take on their reaction if it’s not what you were hoping for. You deserve to be proud of yourself and comfortable in who you are.

• There may be others who don’t accept your sexual identity no matter how you share it or how much time goes by. Sometimes this may be influenced by religious or cultural beliefs. This can be really painful, especially if it’s someone you love or respect. But remember, you don’t need anyone’s approval or permission to be yourself. If you’re worried about how people will react, talk to someone you trust first.

• Give it time. Don’t forget that although you’ve been processing this for some time, this might be new to them. Sometimes people have an initial reaction due to feeling shocked and then respond better when they’ve thought about it.

• Keep your cool. Try to keep calm, even if the other person is not. Remember to breathe and reassure yourself. Don’t get caught up in arguments where hurtful things get said. Call a time-out and come back to it when everyone is calm.

• Exit plan. If you need to call a time-out, have a plan in place. It can help to prepare the words you’ll use in advance. You could say something like ‘I still want to talk more about this but we’re too worked up at the moment’.

For some people, exploring their sexuality can feel daunting. It’s important to remember that there is a strong LGBTIQA+ community to embrace and support you.

Finding these communities can be tough, but know that they’re out there! Everyone deserves to be surrounded by people who understand them.

You can check out:

qheadspace: Chat anonymously with other young people who identify as LGBTIQA+ and ask questions of our headspace queer peers 

Qlife: Chat to a volunteer LGBTIQA+ counsellor over the phone or through web-chat every day from 3pm to midnight (all ages)