understanding anger - for family and friends

• feeling angry a lot of the time, at an intense and overwhelming level

• having trouble controlling anger

• feeling down and distressed as a result of getting angry, or using alcohol or other drugs to manage anger

• feeling the need to use anger to get people to do things

• withdrawing from people or situations and bottling things up, rather than dealing with them

• expressing anger by saying or doing something aggressive or violent (e.g., shouting, swearing, throwing or hitting things)

• when it has a negative impact on others (e.g., causing them to feel scared or intimidated).

These suggestions may be useful for longer-term anger management, and should be attempted when you and the young person are both feeling calm.

• Validate their emotions (e.g., I can see you are really angry) and be curious about what’s making them feel angry.

• Help them identify their triggers. Explore what regularly causes the young person to get angry, how they might be able to avoid these things in future, and how to react differently when they happen.

• Set boundaries around angry/aggressive behaviour. Remind the young person that it’s okay for them to be angry, as long as they express it appropriately – it is never okay for them to be violent or abusive towards someone or damage property. Agree on constructive ways that the young person can let out their anger without hurting other people or their environment and the consequences for crossing these limits. The extent to which the young person is involved in setting these boundaries will depend on their developmental stage (i.e., boundaries for younger adolescents will be largely set by their parents, whereas boundaries for older adolescents may be largely set by themselves).

• Model healthy ways to manage anger. How you respond to situations that make you angry can have a big impact on how your young person manages their anger.

• Help them to seek professional help. If the young person’s anger continues without improvement, you could help them to research anger management courses, or arrange for them to see their GP or a mental health professional. For more information, see 'How to support a family member'.

These suggestions may be helpful in the heat of the moment to help a young person de-escalate their anger and express it in a healthy way. Remember, everyone is different, so it may take practise to find out what works for them.

• Try to stay calm. You probably have a lot of challenging feelings of your own but if you can control your anger (e.g., by talking in a calm voice), this may help stop the young person’s anger from escalating and help you to think clearly about how to respond.

• Help them to calm down. If your young person seems agitated or is becoming aggressive, encourage them to try some of our ‘Ways to manage feelings of anger’, such as:

  • Relaxation: relaxation techniques may help a young person change how they are feeling physically, calming them down enough so that they can think about different responses to their emotions. Try encouraging them to take a few deep breaths, or tense and release some of their muscles.

  • Delay/Distraction: delay or distraction can help a young person to take their mind off what is making them angry and stop them from making the situation worse. Consider encouraging the young person to count to 10 or do something physical, such as fast walking, push-ups or bouncing a ball.

• Listen. Allow the young person to express their feelings without judging them. If someone feels they are being listened to, they are more able to hear other people’s points of view, too. Being able to communicate anger can also help someone calm down, and can be important for getting their needs met.

• Give them space. If continuing the conversation is making things worse, give them time and space to calm down and reflect. Encourage them to go for a walk or have some time in their room before returning to the situation or issue. If they are upset, keep an eye on where they are but also allow them space. 

• Keep yourself, and others, safe. It is never OK for someone to hurt other people or property. If your young person’s behaviour is outside the boundaries you’ve set, remove yourself and others from the situation. When everyone is calm, revisit boundaries, discuss what was contributing to their anger, and explore healthier ways they can manage their anger.